In Hawaii (ahhhh Hawaii) my weight was down around 150. It was an enormously empowering feeling; I was able to say no to junk food, and I was in complete control of everything that I ate, and I was able to consistently train. The pounds seemed to slide off. Granted, at that weight, I felt a bit tired and sluggish sometimes, but it felt good.
My mom and soon to be step-father got wind of this and gave me a hard time about it. They said it wasn't healthy. Whether or not it was isn't relevant to this monologue. What is relevant was the pressure I felt to gain back some weight.
The voice in my head went from telling me to not eat too much, eat healthy, etc, to being able to easily justify to me over eating. My present habit got its start at Taco Bell. It was the first time that I was up past 10 pm in a long while, and the hunger got to me. I ate a lot of Taco Bell. I realize "a lot of food" covers a very wide spectrum, but it was something like 6 burritos and 2 apple turnover things. Then when I got home I stopped by 7-11 and had a snickers ice cream bar and some other ice cream product. This was after I had dinner, too. I felt awful afterwards, and said, well that was dumb. But it felt so good while I was eating. This started a cycle that has lasted until the present of bingeing/gorging myself on all the indulgent food I can get my hands on.
For a time, this habit seemed to have little effect on my weight. I gained 3 or 4 pounds and this seemed like a healthy increase, in fact. But after that first weight gain, I didn't stop over eating. I would routinely gorge myself until I felt sick until late in the evening. Other days I would start first thing in the morning and walk a fine line between nausea and just feeling a bit sick all day along. Often, I would start out healthy in the morning, but some offer of food would get the better of me and I would end the day cramming in the food. The quantity and quality of the food at school certainly has been a factor, but I don't blame anyone else besides myself.
What is it like? It is an addiction. That word is so flagrantly used today, but I've been addicted before, and the sensation, the emotions were the same. Once one portion has been finished off, I'm a calorie-seeking missile, looking for the next fix. So often, I would tell myself:
1.) After this _____(pb&j sandwich, ice cream sandwich, piece of cake, etc), that will be it.
2.) Today is the last day of eating this way.
Telling myself these things so often, and then failing every time to follow through, has made me lose a lot of trust in myself. Which makes it all the easier to just never even try to start.
It's getting to the point where most waking moments not occupied with interaction with others is dominated by the weight of my thoughts on this. The weight consists of resentment, anger, disappointment, discouragement, hopelessness, sadness, dread, shame, and a desire to somehow undo all that I've done to myself. When I walk down the stairs, I can feel the extra weight bouncing up and down, that wasn't there so long ago. Many of my clothes no longer fit. It was a point of pride for me to be able to fit into smaller sizes of clothes. Now I carry with me everywhere the evidence and reminder of my errors.
So where am I now? I need to change some habits. I need to remember that the weight loss, and return to a more healthy state of being, is a process, not a singular event.
Take it as a good sign that I have put all this up for the scrutiny of friends and family. Firstly, it shows that I am not so ashamed that I'm not willing to share, and secondly as a sign of trust in the reader, that he/she will not discount or trivialize my difficulties, or tell me that my 32 lb weight increase is healthy.
What I could benefit from is support.
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