Intensely Subdued

Yesterday was one of the more subdued and simultaneously intense experiences of my life. For the first time, I went to, gulp, an addiction recovery meeting. It is organized by the Church. It took me a while to find the darned room, but I did, and walked into a room full of non-judgmental people all looking to overcome their addictions. Hence the subdued part. It was very calm and relaxed. But there was an underlying tension both on my side of things and also with everyone. On my side of things, because this process is requiring me to do some serious unearthing of issues, feelings, emotions, habits, tendencies, etc. In my past, mostly solo, efforts at overcoming this, I was relying primarily on myself, and each time I tried to move past the problem, I would simply try to cover up the issue by filling my head with other thoughts. This time around, I am relying on the Lord for help, and so things are proceeding in the Lord's way. Part of this is a "searching, fearless moral inventory." I am accomplishing this, thus far, through study, writing, and asking myself searching questions. The slightly painful thing is that these questions go so deep--they force you to look deep down inside yourself. In doing this, I have learned that really, I've got issues. This is not a good thing or a bad thing! It's just the way that I am. But really, on the outside, I seem like a pretty normal guy. So I wonder about other people and the things that they've got buried...everyone's got something to hide. But anyways. It's intense to unearth so much about oneself and bring things to light that you've either tried to forget, or that you weren't even aware of. At the same time, it's subdued, because all of this change is so invisible, internal, and experienced entirely in my consciousness only.

So! That's a bit heavy, I'd say. On the lighter side, I did a 5km time trial yesterday, and did it in 19:07, which represents a personal best for me. Go Chimpy!

By the way, the above picture is from this summer, cycling in the Veneto.  Man what a place!