I have decided to not race this Saturday in Ironman Florida, which comes as a surprise to some of you. I wanted to write this email to inform you all of my decision and explain a bit about why. While my relationship with each of you varies quite widely, I count all of you as friends, hence I look for your understanding in the matter.
Over the past few years I have developed an eating disorder; again, this comes as a surprise to some of you. The factors for its development are all things I am sure you have encountered in your life at one point or another; among them are a driven personality, high self-expectations, a certain amount of introversion, perfectionism, and goal-oriented behavior. These are traits that are both risk factors for eating disorders and characteristics of many successful athletes. There are a few other factors, such as my unfortunate run-in with a car on my bicycle and the resulting trauma in August of 2007, that put me at risk for developing an eating disorder. I feel it is important to note that I strive to be objective about this: I recognize the risk factors as significant in the development of the disorder, but I still take responsibility for the choices I made that led to the disorder. Similarly, while I see that the disorder as a negative, bad part of my life, I do not see myself as fundamentally flawed; I can separate my behavior from my identity. That last distinction has taken some time to sink in, unfortunately.
Specific to my decision to not go to Florida, I came to the realization that I had allowed my relationship with training, racing and triathlon to reach an unhealthy place. I was zeroed in on weight, appearance, number of hours trained, calories--all numbers that I felt I could control while other things felt out of control. As I came to this realization, my desire to compete in Florida evaporated and I was stuck with a very difficult decision: force myself to race or back out completely? I was concerned that if I backed out, people would look at me differently; I had trained very hard and had high expectations. I would be letting myself down and others. On the other hand, how could I force my way through an iron distance race? Reluctantly I decided to not race. After doing so, I felt an immediate relief and I knew that my decision was the right one.
Training for an ultra distance endurance event, like many other endeavors, is a journey, with a beginning, middle and end. My trip to Florida now has a beginning, middle, and no end. All my hard work that was to be put into practice this Saturday now seems to be for naught. So, I feel sadness and disappointment at the loss of what was to be the crowning achievement of my 2010 season; I mourn its loss.
At the same time, I know that it's not the end of the world, that life goes on, and I will be just fine. The thing that really does matter at this point is how well I can put into practice what this experience has taught me. I wish there was some glib expression to sum it all up, but there isn't really....and anyone who says otherwise is trying to sell something...but I do know that the people that you choose to surround yourself with, they are there to help you, and you're there to help them. So I ask you to just lend me your support in whatever way you can. And to likewise ask me for help when you need it. I would also add that in my experiences, I have found eating disorders to be far more common than you imagine. Be observant, and then be supportive and non-judgmental when you do encounter it.
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