Ironman Canada: The starting line

cool picture from honeymoon, and completely unrelated to the post.

I hemmed and hawed a bit before deciding to write this post; I hesitated because I don't really feel that comfortable calling attention to myself and my problems, but in the end I'm writing this because I know that it does me good and maybe there is someone out there with a similar problem that can benefit as well.  Long post, better sit down.

In 2010, I signed up for Ironman Florida and then, about 3 weeks before the race, the wheels really came off the wagon, to put it colloquially, and I decided not to race.  I think that was the right call at the time.  You can read the email that I sent here.  I received a lot of compassionate emails and that was the start of a good amount of healing throughout that winter.

2011 was a good deal better; there were still a lot of episodes of overeating, but I was getting a better handle on it, doing a bit of racing, and I was also seeing a therapist on a regular basis to try and figure things out.  I even wrote this kick ass article for Endurance Corner about it.  When it comes down to it, it's not rocket science.  It's easy to get hung up inside the mental maze of thoughts, emotions, analysis, and feeling down, and it took, and is still taking, a long time to get through it to, you know, what actually works for me.  There are so many voices out there, rooting for recovery, which is great, but you've got to know what works, and do that.

Anyways, last September I signed up for IM Canada 2012, and I was stoked.  Training started in December and rolled pretty great through the winter and into the spring, even with the stress of adding a bathroom to my house (Stressville USA!), planning the wedding, renting out my house, moving out, then actually getting married, and the honeymoon.  Granted, the honeymoon wasn't really stressful at all, but it still wasn't serious training.

I got home in April and things were going great, and then in late April and through to June, I was in more or less a constant state of overeating, and I was miserable.  It's like I go looking for bad feelings to dredge up from past hurts, from social stuff, from professional shortcomings, for every thing I've done that could be taken in a negative light.  There were a few days that were dark.  This was tough.  Really tough.  I felt like I'd left it behind.  I pretty much wrote off Canada; I didn't want to train, didn't want to race, it was all just unthinkable and seemed ridiculous and undesirable.  I wrote the following in my journal (note that I'm far less eloquent in my journal than on this blog):

Right now, I am thinking about IMC and it's one of those things that's like "am I really going to be able to do it?".  Stuff like that, when you actually accomplish it, is tremendously fulfilling and confidence building, and I love it.  Visualizing myself doing the race, enjoying it, despite thinking for such a long time that I wasn't going to do it, that I couldn't pull it together, will be so wonderful and I know that beyond just finishing the race and conquering the course, it will be a big victory over overeating, and the bad habits that got me there.

Somehow I was able to pick up the pieces and one Sunday morning I went for a team ride and I talked to a buddy about it and was able to get all philosophical about it.  I told him and told myself that Canada was no longer about going fast, it was about just being grateful, training hard, and getting to the start line healthy and then enjoying the day and doing strong work.  This was a really critical shift in thinking, as it allowed me to get back into the game of training and preparing and enjoying it.

This was followed up by a great day at the Chelanman Half Iron, where I felt like 'okay, maybe this really is going to happen.'  Even when Ryan ran me down like a 6' big white gazelle.  I still had a great day.  Kami even blogged about me.

Then, this past week, something  was triggered and I started overeating.  It stemmed from being a bit stressed and me not feeling in control of the situation and that was enough to set me off eating, and that's what's been going on since Sunday.  And that just really sucks.  For so many reasons, not the least of which is that the race is on Sunday, just a few days ago!  What the hell am I doing, shooting myself in the foot?  Have I not worked super hard for months, and now I'm frittering it away with overeating.  Woe, woe, woe.

But really, as I said earlier, it's about me just getting to the start line healthy, and enjoying the day and doing my best.  So while I'm pretty sure I won't be setting any IM PR's (not with a blazing fast IM debut back in 2008, but I am pretty that I'll get to the finish line, I'll be crying, and I will be okay.

So what's the gist of me writing this?  If you've actually read this far, I just wanted some people to know what was up, what's tough right now about my life, and all that.  When I step back from my situation, I have to think that it's all a bit ridiculous, in a way: my problem consists of an overabundance of food (something many people in this world will never have a problem with, not out of choice) and my struggles to prepare for an athletic endeavor that really serves no tangible purpose other than appeasing the upper middle class's sense of grandeur.

On the other hand, triathlon is a metaphor for life and a way for driven people, like myself, to excel, to challenge themselves, and a way to experience life and to experience excellence.  Gordo Byrn does an excellent job of talking about it all.  (this post especially).  Overeating has become a part of my life, and a part of my triathlon life in particular; I believe I've still got a lot to learn about life from it, particularly the bits about love, forgiveness, gratitude, and those Christ-like qualities that are so important.

To sum up; overeating sucks, but if I let that really screw up my head and get me thinking that Canada is somehow ruined before it's even started, then that is all my own fault.  It'll be a great day, and I will be okay.